MAD ABOUT BOOKS
Volume 7, Issue 7
October 5, 2004
Coming to you from Shaoxing, China
TABLE OF CONTENTS:
Madness and Bombast
Rejected Children's Books
Schoolteacher Arrested
Seventy-Two Secret Arts of Monks from the Shaolin Monastery
The Stupidest Deaths in Known History
Who Moved My Rice?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was a young boy they called me a liar. Now that I'm all
grown up, they call me a writer. --Isaac Singer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MADNESS AND BOMBAST
Copyright 2004, Michael LaRocca
October 8 is the fourth anniversary of one of the greatest days
in my life. That was the day Jan and I got married.
{"One of?" you ask. Well, yeah. Meeting her was special too, and
so was the day she agreed to marry me in the first place. And
others, all with Jan.}
When Jan said those two magic words to me four years ago, I had
no idea that, one day, she would turn into a biker chick.
{Bicycles, folks, bicycles. This is China. Night rides in
Shaoxing are quite romantic if you can find a place with no
people. Especially on a walkway along the river, soft green
lighting upon trees that remind one of weeping willows.}
October 9 fast approaches, and the folks down under may have
heard that a vote for Howard is a vote for Costello. Yep, that's
gloomy, but I have an even gloomier possibility. A vote for
Howard is a vote for Howard.
{Note to my American readers. In Australia, voting is mandatory.
And now a few Aussies may be mumbling, "You mean it's not like
that everywhere? Bloody 'ell..." Hey, it does help explain Bush.}
Is this newsletter turning biweekly? Nah. I just got hit with one
of those weird creative bursts. Making up for the summer
vacation, when I had a bad case of reruns. In contrast to US TV,
which has summer reruns but no creativity the rest of the time.
Did you ever notice how much marketing sucks? I didn't even ask
you to vote for me last week. Nah, it's not mandatory here.
Thanks to all of you who did, though. We're clinging to #9.
Why didn't I ask you to vote? I was following some marketing guru
advice. The only message in my last newsletter was, quite simply,
"Buy my book!" (Did it work? I don't know.) Not even a spout like
this, which is why this one's so long.
This also reminds me of an article in the issue before last,
about publishing. "Why In The FRAG Do We Do It?" I hate writing
sales pitches. Every time you publish, you either trot your
little author self out on center stage or you sell no books.
Sometimes, you do both. Jeez. Finding a publisher is the easy
part.
{Unpublished masses are throwing things at their screens right
now. I recommend Richard Pryor's rubber brick, and I honestly
believe he threw one at Jim Brown. He would. Anybody who would
step in the ring with Mohammed Ali would do almost anything.}
Here's something I failed to write on September 29. The date
of this year's Mid-Autumn Festival. The date varies, since
it's based on a lunar calendar. It always falls on a full moon.
This roundness is a symbol of good fortune, as is eating the
round moon cake. Also a symbol of eggs, sugar, and a lard-like
substance. You can hear your arteries slam shut just thinking
about it. The school gave us 12. I gave them all away. I
wonder how many dogs wake up the next morning saying, "No
breakfast for me, thanks. Just let me and my guts suffer in
peace."
But I digress. Especially since I come from the land of the
fruitcake. I agree with Johnny Carson. Nobody eats them. They
just save them for a year and give them to somebody else for
Christmas.
But I digress again. The combination of full moon fever and
Chinese fireworks are something no Calico cat should be without.
I've written before about what the citizens can unleash here.
Firecrackers 3 feet (1 meter) tall and such. But, this year, for
the first time ever, I've seen military fireworks. If the army
ever runs short of artillery, I'll know why.
The sky was a canvas. Off to the left, the full moon. In the
forefront, an artistic mixing of colors, understatement and
overstatement, loud and quiet. Some very impressive things
that looked like red lanterns (holiday symbol) trailed by white
tails. Descending quite slowly, as other "regular" fireworks
were ignited all around. And then, when finally the lanterns
grew dim, enough smoke to stop the show for a minute or so.
The first explosion in this thirty-minute bombfest woke up
Picasso and almost gave her a heart attack. Flying through the
flat, bushy tail the size of the rest of her body. Then she
suddenly realized that she'd been startled into running TOWARD
the noise. After that, though, she was cool. Watching out the
window close to us.
I was pleased to note that I could see this out the window. The
mob on the street was, well, a mob. Be sure to pee before you
join that lot, because you're stuck until they let you go. If
they can.
When the show began, some people ran toward the scene while
others ran away from it. The couple carrying the baby got a
chuckle out of me. Jeez, you could traumatize a kid for life
that way. I've also gotta wonder how many of the pregnant women
we saw were stunned into premature labor. Yeah, my mind works
in mysterious ways. (If it works at all...)
Early the next morning, all paper had been swept away. But not
the gunpowder. They just kinda shoved it off to the sides of
the bridge and waited for it to rain. We're still waiting. Hey,
it works for me.
I'll tell you what I saw during the WHO MOVED MY RICE? edit. In
the early chapters, my naivete made me positively cringe. Funny
at times, but also quite embarrassing. Note that I didn't edit
any of it out. It's an honest snapshot of what was going on in
my mind. As I told my Advanced English Writing students in
Hangzhou at least 100 times, "never lie to your reader." I'm
pleased to report that I grew up (somewhat) before the book
ended.
I also saw that WHO MOVED MY RICE? was written by some guy who
was far more extroverted than I've been in Shaoxing thus far.
More extroverted than I've been in any place except Hangzhou, in
fact. I've withdrawn inside my head again. I need to work on
that. Really, that author was out there meeting people, language
barrier be damned, and you can feel his excitement. Now he just
shops, teaches and writes.
Meanwhile, if you were enjoying RISING FROM THE ASHES before I
cut it short, or even if you weren't, here are a few thoughts. If
you are writing a biography or autobiography, I strongly
recommend composite scenes, so it doesn't get too boring. Also,
where memory fails, make stuff up, as long as it's true to your
vision and faithful to the spirit of truth. Jeez, who can
remember all that?
{RISING will be back. Eventually. I've got a stepmother who'd
make Cinderella count her blessings.}
Oh, and let me ax you something. WHO MOVED MY RICE? Is that a
difficult title to remember? It's a blatant ripoff of WHO MOVED
MY CHEESE?, another food item and another book about adapting to
change. Right? It's not Who HAS Moved My Rice, it's not Who
STOLE My Rice, it's not Who ATE My Rice, it's not Jerry Rice. Why
is that so difficult for some people to grasp? WHO MOVED MY RICE?
by Michael LaRocca. The simplest title I've ever used.
(Misspelling Michael and/or LaRocca is common, but that's another
story. And Jerry Rice is one of my heroes. I wonder if I can get
a blurb out of him...)
Please vote for this Ezine at the Cumuli Ezine Finder.
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vte.html?ez=bookso
If you're a new subscriber, or even if you're not, your free gifts
are at http://freereads.topcities.com/freebooksonthenet.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This newsletter is copyright (c) 2004 Michael LaRocca. It may be
reprinted freely, in whole or in part, if a credit to
http://freereads.topcities.com/archive.html is included.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REJECTED CHILDREN'S BOOKS
Anonymous
You're Different and That's Bad
Pop! Goes The Hamster ... and Other Great Microwave Games
Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers
The Boy Who Died From Eating His Vegetables
Why There Is Only One Smurfette
Starting a Real Estate Empire with the Change from Mom's Purse!
Controlling the Playground: How to Bully Your Way to Top Dog
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew and the Vice Squad
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Mr. Ed Meets Elmer's Glue Factory
Horton Hears Coke Snortin'
Curious George and the High-voltage Fence
Dad's New Wife Timothy
The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCHOOL TEACHER ARRESTED
Anonymous
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual, later
discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested for trying to
board a flight while in possession of a ruler, protractor, set
square, slide rule and calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons
of mass instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names
like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we
have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis
of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isoceles used to say, 'There are three sides to
every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If
God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction,
He would have given us more fingers to count on."
{Bush's inbred six-fingered redneck cousins weren't available
for comment. I wonder how many toes Dubya has.}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEVENTY-TWO SECRET ARTS OF MONKS FROM THE SHAOLIN MONASTERY
http://www.kungfulibrary.com/shaolin-kung-fu-4.htm
1. Mo zhang - The grinding palm
2. Feng zhang - The windy palm
3. Liuxin zhang - The rocket palm
4. Chuanso zhang - The shuttle palm
5. Tui shan zhang - The palm pushing a mountain
{In case Mohammed won't go to the mountain?}
6. Pi chai zhang - The palm cutting wood
7. Chen zhuan zhang - The palm breaking bricks
8. Jin zhusa zhang - The palm with iron grasp
9. Jin gou shou - The iron hook-like arm
10. Wa yan shou - The hand tearing out eyes
11. Tanglang shou - The leg of an Mantodea
12. Bai she xin shou - The hand as accurate as a spittle of the
white snake
{That's always been one of my goals}
13. Hei hou tiao shou - The black tiger jumps over a mountain
14. Heihu zhua lian shou - The claws of the black tiger grasping
the face
15. She mao shou - The hand like a snake-shaped blade
16. Bai xin shou - The hand of eight wizards
17. Zhin cha zhi - The finger like a gold pin
18. Zhou zhi - The bamboo finger, the finger like a bamboo stick
19. Wu kua hongqian zhi - Five fingers like red flower pistil
20. Zhin gong zuan zhi - The piercing finger as hard as a diamond
21. Cuan xin zhi - The finger piercing the heart
22. Tou gu zhi - The finger punching holes in bones
23. Yi zhi jin - The finger as hard as metal
24. Chan si zhou - The elbow with a cord wound on it
25. Go xin zhou - The elbow punching the heart
26. Po yin zhou - The elbow breaking Yin
27. Niu chan tui - The dislocated thigh
{Mine or yours?}
28. Pe zhu gan - A bamboo fighting pole
29. Gu shu pan gen - Twisted roots of a dry tree
30. Te wu gen di - The iron buffalo ploughs soil
31. Fei mai qiao - The leg flying like a feather
32. Hei xian feng - The black water-spout
33. Tie sazou - The iron broom
34. Hou tiao qian - The monkey jumping over a wall
35. Yian qu shui - The swallow drinks water
36. Chang e bian yue - Sorceress Chan E ascends the moon
37. Tian gou chi yang - The Heaven's Dog eats the Sun
38. Ha mo zu tian - The toad drills the sky
39. Gang jin juan - The diamond fist
40. Shi kai hua - The stone blossoms out like a flower
41. Zuan xin chui - The hammer punching the heart
42. Lu kai hua - The skull blooming out like a flower
43. Duan mu zhuang - To break a wooden stove-couch
44. Ti jie shi - To break a stone with a leg
45. Fang feng Zhen - Zhen releases winds
{So do I, sometimes, but I prefer not to brag about it}
46. Da shai dai - To strike at a sand bag
47. Fen mu guan - The coffin broken into pieces
{A pretty good trick if you can do it from inside}
48. Dai tie wa - To wear iron hoops
49. Diao shaku - To hang trousers with sand
50. Yue ying jian - To jump over a moon abyss
51. Feng xuan ai - The flight from a steep precipice
52. Go wu ji - To jump over a roof gable
53. Zuo liu xing - The rocket stance
{As sung by William Shatner}
54. Taishan zhuan - The pole like the Taishan mountain
{I think they promised that in my email}
55. Xin yi ba - The heart and mind clench
56. Qi wei chuan dong - The bristling hedgehog strikes a hole
{I thought monks were celibate}
57. Suang to yue - To embrace the moon
58. Tie gan tui - The leg like an iron pole
{Another email}
59. Kao re guo - The cauldron heated on fire
60. Zuai ti deng - To throw down a stool by a foot
61. Lu da gun - The ass's strike
{Wow...}
62. Zhai she zu - The foot digging soil
63. Guang chuan tie bu shan - To put on an iron shirt on the
naked body
{Iron pants at the temple next door}
64. Wu kong fan jin dou - Wu Kong fights against sinew
dislocations
{Always a good idea}
65. Tian bing xia fan - The Celestial Soldier descends the sky
66. Da murien - To strike a man of wood
67. Xie zi zou lu - The scorpion crawls along the road
{To get to the other side}
68. Qian jintui - The leg weighing one thousand jins
69. Zha yan huan zuo deng - To change in an instant the stool
70. Luohan shen gong - Luohan's magic feat
71. Jiao long nu kong - The coiling dragon growls in wrath
72. Qi guan qi mao - The breath "chi" washes the hair on the skin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE STUPIDEST DEATHS IN KNOWN HISTORY
Anonymous
- Tycho Brahe
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground-
breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the
theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a
banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink
excessively, had a bladder condition -- but failed to relieve
himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by
drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be
excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and
painfully over the next 11 days.
{The editor must comment on this one. It appears in CHINA
DAILY almost, well, daily. But it usually involves a game of
mah-jonng. We thank the Party for such cautionary tales.}
=====
- Horace Wells
Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s
How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide
While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia
research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was
arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter
he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems,
claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later
he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with
chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.
=====
- Aeschylus
A Greek playwright back around 500 BC. Many historians consider
him the father of Greek tragedies, and little old Michael in
Shaoxing agrees with them.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head
According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempted to
crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook
Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him
instead.
{How would you break the news to his widow? No pun intended.
Really.}
=====
- Attila the Hun
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had
conquered all of Asia by 450 AD -- from Mongolia to the edge of
the Russian Empire -- by destroying villages and pillaging the
countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his
reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and
drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night,
however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink.
Some time during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too
drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead
the next morning.
=====
- Francis Bacon
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A
statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist, he was even
rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was
struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to
preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to
find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed
it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff
the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze,
but Bacon did.
{Clarence Birdseye...}
=====
- Jerome Irving Rodale
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic
Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a
major publishing corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show," while discussing the
benefits of organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged, "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run
down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared
on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Partway through the
interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: a heart
attack. The show was never aired.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHO MOVED MY RICE?
Copyright 2004, Michael LaRocca
CHAPTER TWO
Settling In
In the two years I lived in Hong Kong, I can count the number of
spontaneous conversations I had on one hand. Let's contrast that
with Hangzhou.
On day three, I was at the Internet cafe when someone asked me to
translate a word for him. The word was drain, the context that
Enron drained some folks' savings. This led to a fifteen-minute
conversation.
My new friend is named Jack. He graduated from the school where I
will be teaching, and now weaves silk. (The place where I teach
offers many majors, and fashion design is one of them. It was
formerly known as Silk University.)
Jack has great respect for teachers. They engineer the human mind.
His sister is a teacher. Even though I introduced myself as
Michael, he insisted on calling me Mr. Michael.
On day four, my wife and I were walking around West Lake. Very
beautiful and relaxing and peaceful, but we chose a bad day. A
cold winter day. This was destined to be a short visit.
As we were taking photos of each other before searching out a
taxi, a man on a bicycle offered to take our photo together.
After that, we revised his resume, which was in English. Then we
were treated to a long conversation about Hangzhou job opportuni-
ties, immigration, changes, the fact that he's unemployed, how
hard it is to move to America ("Uncle Sam") or Australia, and the
fact that he misses Mao.
Day six, I was at the Internet cafe again when Echo introduced
himself. He is a current student where I teach. He's a fashion
major, but my first three months or so will be spent teaching
English majors, so I won't teach him. Nonetheless, he offered to
help me find my way around Hangzhou if I ever need him. Name,
phone number, email address. He also recommended a website that
could be useful.
Unlike Jack, who was reading his email and some news headlines on
Excite, Echo was shopping for electric guitars.
Why was I at an Internet cafe? I ordered my broadband, something
I was too cheap to spring for in Hong Kong, but they needed about
a week to run the cable. Normally it would be faster, but let's
not forget that I arrived during the most important holiday
season in China. So, for 2 yuan (US 25 cents) an hour, I hang out
at the Internet cafe.
I suppose I could ask my Western colleagues to show me the
computer room, but I just don't feel like it. The lady running
the Internet cafe is very nice. She watches TV, sleeps on her
desk, cooks... If customers show up, fine. If not, fine. She's
just hanging out, much like everyone else who's staying home for
the holidays.
Besides, if I used the computer room, I wouldn't have this chance
to meet my students before the school year begins.
http://www.booksunbound.com/bsmr.html
ISBN 1-59201-031-8
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This newsletter is copyright (c) 2004 Michael LaRocca. It may be
reprinted freely, in whole or in part, but only if a credit to
http://freereads.topcities.com/archive.html is included.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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